Recently, I was working with a client who was struggling with finding a relationship.
I asked her, what are you good at? What area of your life is effortless?
She told me that no matter what, she can always find an apartment or a place to live. It never occurred to her that she was good at this until she heard other people freaking out about having to get a place.
Here is what I understand:
Trying to figure out all of the details of why and how-come you struggle with finding a relationship is like going down with a sinking ship.
What is more useful is to look at the nature of what makes things work.
I asked this specific question, what comes easy to my client, because I wanted us to explore this experience in our session. To notice what we already know about this mechanism of what makes things work.
Then, I asked my client, 'What do you notice about your experience of looking for an apartment?'
She noticed that when apartment hunting, especially when visiting a place, she didn’t overthink it.
She trusted what she felt about what she saw and acted when she saw something that was right for her. She didn’t second-guess herself or justify anything about her choices. Either she loved a place, or she didn’t.
When I asked her how she knew the apartment was right for her, she said I could feel it.
She noticed that she felt ease when she was apartment hunting and the process was simple. She knew she was a great tenant and that any landlord was lucky to have her.
She also knew that not getting an apartment had nothing to do with her. She knew that sometimes you get a place you like and other times you don’t. It’s not personal. It’s the nature of looking for an apartment.
She had fun looking for apartments. It was a game. To see what was out there and find something she would love. She didn’t pressure herself with timelines. She always knew the right place would come when she needed it.
Through our conversation, we saw that the nature of what makes things work boiled down to the following:
- You don’t do a lot of extra thinking.
- You know what is true for yourself and you trust it.
- You know the essential truth about life that everything always works out.
- There is an internal feeling of ease and simplicity.
- Fun is involved.
- You are moved into action when needed.
- You don’t take things too personally.
- You don’t put extra pressure on yourself or the process.
So, having established that framework, we turned our attention to how she felt about looking for a relationship partner.
She could see how, by comparison with dating, she was overthinking everything. She was also making everything about her; she was making every rejection or unmet connection personal.
She wasn’t trusting herself, her inner knowing. She observed that all of these habits together along with the pressure she was putting on herself to get to the end goal were quickly making dating and relationships feel like walking the plank!
There was no space, no ease, no fun.
I asked her, ‘What if looking for a relationship could be like looking for an apartment?’
That sounded way more fun.
***
If you are struggling with finding a relationship (or a place to live) and would like to experience more ease, fun, and success, please reach out to be at anna@annascott.co.